Teach a Kid to Fish

Taught the kids to fish yesterday. I didn't think they'd enjoy it, but they really did. I also thought that I would enjoy fishing. I didn't. They spent five hours fishing. I spent five hours undoing tangles and pulling lures out of trees.

Here's a sample of how it went:

Bella nearly takes my nose off with her backswing then casts about six inches in to the water. Somehow in the process of casting to the edge of the dock she manages to tangle 375 feet of line. She looks like she's got a possum clinging to her rod. While I track down a machete to hack through the knot, Jack starts screaming excitedly that he's caught something. He has. It's a maple.

Fix the tangle. Catch and release the maple. Jack immediately goes double mocha latte with a shot of expresso bananas because he's caught something. He has. It's a rock about twenty feet from shore. Bella tangles her line again, this time netting the dog in the cocoon. With the rod strapped to her back the dog looks like a giant black caterpillar hanging from a twig.

Free the dog. Get the kayak and row out to catch and release the rock. While I fight with the line and curse under my breath, Bella bounces her lure off the kayak. Twice. I'm taking heavy fire. Fortunately her weapon jams when she tangles it again. I free Jack's line and he instantly reels it in while the lure is still in my hand. He goes triple Christmas morning with happiness because he's caught something. He has. It's my thumb.

Bella gets frustrated with my delays in fixing the tangle and insensitive bleeding. She decides to fix the tangle herself by shaking it really, really hard a few times. When she's finished it looks like she's holding a wad of cotton candy.

Row to shore. Administer first aid to myself. Take a quick blood transfusion then get to work on Bella's line. Jack casts and immediately begins to squeal with rapture. He think's he's caught something. He has. It's my sweatshirt. Fix the tangle. Catch and release the Under Armor.

No luck with the lures. Try worms. Add the bobbers. Change the hooks. Jam on the wriggling, slimy worm. Jack coos over how cute the worm looks then launches him. Bella refuses to fish with that on her line. Remove the worm from Bella's hook. Remove the bobber. Replace the lure. Feel the slap of worm against my cheek as Jack winds up to cast again. Nearly lose an earlobe in the process.

After about a half hour of bonding with a soggy half dead worm, Jack is having second thoughts about using live bait. He starts to cry over the worms suffering. Catch and release the worm.

While Jack releases all the live bait in the woods, Bella finally has a strike. Pull the line in by hand because she's tangled the reel. It's a trout. It's little, but it's a fish. Bella thinks it gross. Jack thinks it's an injustice that he hasn't caught a fish and starts to cry. Catch and release the fish.

Bella throws gas on the fire by trying to make Jack feel better. Jack is red and soggy with jealousy. Then he gets a strike. Check the tree, the rock, the dog, my shirt, my thumb. Nope. It's a fish. It's really a fish. Reel in a bass. Jack beems. Remove the hook. Catch and release the fish. The kids bicker about which was bigger. Jack claims bass are better. Bella says she caught hers first. The sun goes down. Daddy doesn't cast once.

And they say fishing is relaxing...